My Reality

Katie was inspired by reading Stephanie Howell's blog.  A blog that I don't follow and had never read until today.  I went to Dorrie's blog after reading Katie's blog.  Another blog I seldom visit.  Maybe every few months or so.  She too was inspired by Stephanie Howwell's blog.  A blog that discussed the realities of life.  More specifically, the realities if YOUR life.  It touches on our role as scrapbookers (more those directly involved in the industry) and do we feel that it is our responsibility to scrap only about the happy places we've been and the postive experiences we have had.  This got me thinking.  I do only scrap about the good.  Yes, I have had a few of layouts where I touch upon some trying times in my life but it is literally just that.  A few.  It's not that I avoid it, it just never really occurs to me but, when I really think about it, isn't that what this craft is supposed to be about?  Capturing your art, your legacy, so your children - your grandchildren - have memories of their lives and the legacy you leave behind?  Why not post about the REAL events in life?  After reading these blogs and seeing the conflicting layout that Dorrie did, I am going to make a conscious effort to capture the real me ... not the sugar coated me.  To get me started, I am going to list some of my realities like the others did.  I challenge you to do the same?

My { REALITY } is ...

1. 
   
   I am fat.  I am fat and I hate it.  I am fat, I hate it and I have absolutely NO comprehension as I why I can not wrap my  head around the need to lose weight and execute it.  Especially when it impacts such a huge area - I just don't get it.  I often wonder if food can be considered a mental illness.
2. 
   
   I love scrapbooking.  I miss scrapbooking.  I have no ambition to scrapbook.  This frustrates me. 
3. 
   
   I will never be the Mommy to a living child.  Hannah will be my only link to motherhood and our two hours together singing, laughing, bathing, dressing and loving my sweet baby girl is all I have.  I am defeated and devastated.
4. 
   
   My soul is broken.  I have lost who I am.  Events of these past few years, as well as my miscarriages, have left me in a lurch.  I am doubtful and suspicious in ways that I never was.  I am insecure and question if I am being overbearing, too needy and just a pain in the ass to the few friends I have.  I have no identity.
5. 
   
   My marriage is struggling.  Has been struggling.  Not make or break struggling but definitely making us fight hard for eachother.  Our roles are being redefined.  I am neither comfortable with this nor to I like (or appreciate) the new role that has been placed upon me.
6. 
   
   I no longer talk to my in-laws (less one sister).  After finally speaking my mind to my mother-in-law and making her accountable for her actions (and she for mine), they don't want anything to do with me which "is okay because we never liked her anyway."  Despite the way I have been treated for the past 19 years, this saddens me to no end.  It hurts that they don't like me.  It hurts when I tried so hard to be accepted.  To be respected.  If I had done something wrong, I wouldn't feel this way.  I would own my behaviour and understand why it was this way but I have been blacklisted from the moment I walked through the front door with their son.  Yes, there have been laughs and memories but it is hard to see that beyond the indifference I now feel.  Because they are a family of taking sides, this includes my brother-in-law and sister-in-law too.  The only link I have to my fruit salad (nieces and nephews) is the fact that my nephew is a student at my work.  Because of him, I know I have a new niece on the way.  Because of him, I know that her name will be Addison.  I will never know her personally.  Being an aunt the only version of Mommyhood that could be mine.  My heart breaks for my husband who is put in this position by them. 
7. 
   
   My mind is wrapped around becoming a photograher and starting my own business in addition to keeping my job at the school.  I want to do both.  I my heart and my mind, I feel like I am going to fail. 
8. 
   
   Since my last miscarriage, I have become very lazy.  I just want to waif around and watch tv or dvd's or surf the internet for random nothings.  I have no desire to do anything, anywhere, with anyone ... even though I do enjoy myself once I am there.  Thankfully.
9. 
   
   My sweet dog, Tucker is growing older.  You wouldn't know it by looking at him or watching him in action but he is.  I know his years are numbered though he has many more, I am sure and hopeful for.  I am terrified of what another loss ... this loss ... is going to do to me.  I think about it daily when we snuggle and take moments together.  My dogs are the children I can not have.
10. 
    
    I am crying.  Right now.  At school.  As I type this.  I do not like (many aspects of) my life and what it has become.  I am grateful for my family and friends but all in all, I am not whole.  I (think) I do a good job hiding it from the world and those around me but I am really falling apart inside.  I do not like admitting this but alas ... it is {my reality}

ETA --> this is not a pity party or my reaching out for attention/sympathy. It is just simply what it is ... my reality.  :o)