Goodbye *Eclipse* Ticket ....

My friends and I returned our Eclipse tickets to the Empire 7 in Orleans.  I mean hey ... why see one movie at midnight when you can go to Silvercity Gloucester and watch ALL THREE in a triple bill.  This mean that I will be seeing, beginning at 7pm on the 29th, *Twilight* followed by *New Moon* followed by *Eclipse*.

love, Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE

On a Positive Note

 after my super depressing blog post yesterday - for which I am super, super sorry about - I thought I should share some happy news that I received earlier this week:

For those who read my blog but don't know, I am an aspiring photographer by night but spend my days doing a job that I absolutely love (less the pay cheque part ... way too low). I am an Educational Assistant in an elementary school. For the 4 school years prior to this one (I have 12 years total), I worked with a boy who was mildly autistic with no real behaviour concerns. This year however, I am working in a grade 2 class with an autistic boy who definitely falls in the realm of behaviour. I love this.

First let me digress for a moment to explain ... there are two varying degrees to working with students who have special needs. On one end of the spectrum you have those who require total care. Some are non-verbal, non-ambulatory, require feeding tubes, diaper changes and serious medical care while others kick, scream, pull hair, bite, spit and have nasty tantrums. While I love all these students, my comfort zone has me in a place where I would rather have a chair thrown at my head than change a diaper. Special Needs or not, I prefer working with behavioural students. Now back to my story....

My young fella, whom we will call John Doe (or JD for short), was new to our school this year. We had heard about him from one of our teachers who went to the case conference at his previous school and she came back thinking "omigod. what on earth are we in for?" There were reports of kicking, spitting, biting, pinching, screeching (not screaming ... screeching) and more. It was very overwhelming. In September, JD came to the school to meet us. What a cutie. Because the family with whom he lives has three children that have graced our hallways previous to him, I knew what I could comfortably ask the to help me get to know JD but alas ... they were still learning too.

The first month of school came and went without a hitch. We had NO clue what this other school was talking about. He was wonderful. That being said ... we also know very well what a honeymoon period is and waiting for the day when it was over. It came. OUCH! I don't think my ears have rang so loudly or have my shins hurt so much from being kicked repeatedly (yes .. i let him kick me over and over a couple of times but i promise ... there was a method to my madness and it worked!!). He had complete and total control as we tried to figure out programs that would work with him and let us take it back. God bless the CHEO lady. She came on a consultation and, in just those few hours, changed the course of JDs days. The second she made a suggestion, I used, tweaked it, altered it and made it my own. It's like my brain shifted gears and I started thinking and creating and working in a whole new way.  It paid off.  Not only is my JD a cutie patootie (he really is ... it isnt a biased thing, I promise.).  He is a pretty darned good student too.  Naturally, there are good days and bad but they are so far and few between now.

A couple of months ago, some of my colleages and I participated in a a structured learning workshop.  It was us and about 9 other schools.  At the end we had to do a presentation.  Because the idea of talking made us all uneasy, we made a slide show presentation. Everyone loved it.  The experts were *wowed* with us and the students we work with.  (there is myself and JD and another EA and her Jane Doe.)  Literally. I had some programming tools that I created and they announced to everyone how awesome they were.  For the first time in my 12 years as an EA, I knew I was doing a good job.  I mean really and truly.  It has been a good thing for me.

I found out on Monday that the CHEO people, along with members from our school board, will be coming to the school to video tape myself, my colleage and our two JD's in action to use them as training videos for other professionals who work with students on the Spectrum.  What an honour.  I am pertrified of this but still .. what an honour.  I am very, very proud of us.  The whole team.  We did good. 

My Reality

Katie was inspired by reading Stephanie Howell's blog.  A blog that I don't follow and had never read until today.  I went to Dorrie's blog after reading Katie's blog.  Another blog I seldom visit.  Maybe every few months or so.  She too was inspired by Stephanie Howwell's blog.  A blog that discussed the realities of life.  More specifically, the realities if YOUR life.  It touches on our role as scrapbookers (more those directly involved in the industry) and do we feel that it is our responsibility to scrap only about the happy places we've been and the postive experiences we have had.  This got me thinking.  I do only scrap about the good.  Yes, I have had a few of layouts where I touch upon some trying times in my life but it is literally just that.  A few.  It's not that I avoid it, it just never really occurs to me but, when I really think about it, isn't that what this craft is supposed to be about?  Capturing your art, your legacy, so your children - your grandchildren - have memories of their lives and the legacy you leave behind?  Why not post about the REAL events in life?  After reading these blogs and seeing the conflicting layout that Dorrie did, I am going to make a conscious effort to capture the real me ... not the sugar coated me.  To get me started, I am going to list some of my realities like the others did.  I challenge you to do the same?

My { REALITY } is ...

1. 
   
   I am fat.  I am fat and I hate it.  I am fat, I hate it and I have absolutely NO comprehension as I why I can not wrap my  head around the need to lose weight and execute it.  Especially when it impacts such a huge area - I just don't get it.  I often wonder if food can be considered a mental illness.
2. 
   
   I love scrapbooking.  I miss scrapbooking.  I have no ambition to scrapbook.  This frustrates me. 
3. 
   
   I will never be the Mommy to a living child.  Hannah will be my only link to motherhood and our two hours together singing, laughing, bathing, dressing and loving my sweet baby girl is all I have.  I am defeated and devastated.
4. 
   
   My soul is broken.  I have lost who I am.  Events of these past few years, as well as my miscarriages, have left me in a lurch.  I am doubtful and suspicious in ways that I never was.  I am insecure and question if I am being overbearing, too needy and just a pain in the ass to the few friends I have.  I have no identity.
5. 
   
   My marriage is struggling.  Has been struggling.  Not make or break struggling but definitely making us fight hard for eachother.  Our roles are being redefined.  I am neither comfortable with this nor to I like (or appreciate) the new role that has been placed upon me.
6. 
   
   I no longer talk to my in-laws (less one sister).  After finally speaking my mind to my mother-in-law and making her accountable for her actions (and she for mine), they don't want anything to do with me which "is okay because we never liked her anyway."  Despite the way I have been treated for the past 19 years, this saddens me to no end.  It hurts that they don't like me.  It hurts when I tried so hard to be accepted.  To be respected.  If I had done something wrong, I wouldn't feel this way.  I would own my behaviour and understand why it was this way but I have been blacklisted from the moment I walked through the front door with their son.  Yes, there have been laughs and memories but it is hard to see that beyond the indifference I now feel.  Because they are a family of taking sides, this includes my brother-in-law and sister-in-law too.  The only link I have to my fruit salad (nieces and nephews) is the fact that my nephew is a student at my work.  Because of him, I know I have a new niece on the way.  Because of him, I know that her name will be Addison.  I will never know her personally.  Being an aunt the only version of Mommyhood that could be mine.  My heart breaks for my husband who is put in this position by them. 
7. 
   
   My mind is wrapped around becoming a photograher and starting my own business in addition to keeping my job at the school.  I want to do both.  I my heart and my mind, I feel like I am going to fail. 
8. 
   
   Since my last miscarriage, I have become very lazy.  I just want to waif around and watch tv or dvd's or surf the internet for random nothings.  I have no desire to do anything, anywhere, with anyone ... even though I do enjoy myself once I am there.  Thankfully.
9. 
   
   My sweet dog, Tucker is growing older.  You wouldn't know it by looking at him or watching him in action but he is.  I know his years are numbered though he has many more, I am sure and hopeful for.  I am terrified of what another loss ... this loss ... is going to do to me.  I think about it daily when we snuggle and take moments together.  My dogs are the children I can not have.
10. 
    
    I am crying.  Right now.  At school.  As I type this.  I do not like (many aspects of) my life and what it has become.  I am grateful for my family and friends but all in all, I am not whole.  I (think) I do a good job hiding it from the world and those around me but I am really falling apart inside.  I do not like admitting this but alas ... it is {my reality}

ETA --> this is not a pity party or my reaching out for attention/sympathy. It is just simply what it is ... my reality.  :o)

Fun with Water

These past few weeks things have either been very busy .... or very lazy. There has been no happy medium. When I'm not running the roads doing this, that or the other, I am at home watching different shows streamed on the internet or season 1 of True Blood (gawd I hope it gets better. I started it and am committed to it now but ish ... not a good show). Yesterday however, I decided to stop being so sluggish (which is how I am actually feeling) and pull out my camera. I had quite the interesting set up in the bathroom involving chairs on either end of my counters, boxes on top of that, strapping connecting them, water bags dangling over a bowl and two lamps for added lighting. Not to mention the tripod to hold my camera, a stool to sit on and books under a tripod leg to keep it at the right angle. K was a little perplexed when he came home and saw it, to say the least. "Why?" you ask? So I could get the shots below, of course....

I do have some in red but red just didn't capture as well as the green did.  Of course, after several hours of doing this (it's definitely not as easy as it looks), my mojo was gone and away things went.  Set aside actually.  I am going to grab a few things to play with and try again.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I spent Friday and Saturday at The Scrapbox with Stéphanie.  Had some laughs with the ladies and got to spend some time with her dear friend, LouLou.  She is nothing short of a sweetheart with a heart of gold.  It was our first opportunity to really talk and it was a pleasure.  Of course, I created whilst we chatted however, I can not say or post what I did because they are intended as a gift for a super special someone who reads my blog.  I do owe you a photo of a canvas I finished about a month ago though - maybe tomorrow ...

Today I had the day off work.  I headed out to Merrickville to take pictures as a request for my Mom.  She and her husband just bought a cottage there (yay!) and they want to hang photos of the town throughout the cottage so ... off I went.  303 photos later, I packed it up and headed to Ottawa for class.  I have to sift through them but will post some in a few days.  Hmmm ... I may have multiple posts in the next week.  What are you going to do with yourselves?   ;o}

Until we 'meet' again, I wish you a wonderful week.

** ECLIPSE **

Signed, sealed and printed. Just bought my tickets. Can you say

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS"

Digital Photography Basics

I have spent the last couple of weeks attending classes to learn more about photography.  Twice a week I travel to Algonquin with hopes of having a positively wonderful experience learning about a form of art that I have come to love very much.  Photography truly does make my heart happy.  It pulls me in.  It calls my name.  It screams "be creative and capture life's moments."  It makes me want to freeze frame that special time in someone's life so that they can look back and feel the emotion of the day several years later.  I want to take photos that make the people looking into the lense feeling as fulfilled as the person behind the lense.

As the class begins to move past the dry, technical necessities of learning about ones camera, we are now beginning to learn about techniques like 'depth of field' and 'motion.'  We are being encouraged to leave the auto mode and shoot in Av as much as possible ... something I am fortunate enough to have been doing from (almost) the beginning, thanks to many outings with Marlene - who is a phenominal photographer.  While I have many shots that have captured Depth of Field, they were not all done so by technique alone.  Some were just lucky shots.  It's time to stop partially relying on luck and focus on making it happen when I want it to.

We started getting our assignments this week.  We don't have a bunch of little projects but one big one due at the beginning of the last class (June 23rd).  My mind is racing and spinning and full of ideas.  I am going to have so much fun reaching these goals and trying different things to create a final product that I am happy with all while boosting my confidence.

I do have an ultimate goal.  I know where I want to go with all the knowledge I will obtain as I pass through each course.  Sometimes I feel really silly for thinking that this is something I can do.  I mean, who does this at 36?  Most photographers are established by now.  But then I remind myself that it's never too late to learn and that reassures me.  Now all I need to do is convince myself that someone would actually want to pay me to take photos of them - especially with the form of photography that I would like to create a small side business with.  (can you imaging having two jobs you love?  *sigh*)  Ahhh confidence .... wish me luck.

On the creative front, I finally finished the canvas I started a while back.  K doesn't like it.  "It's not your best work," he says.  Hmmph.  Well then ...   For the amount of time I spent making those flowers, I am hanging it somewhere! 

Enjoy the rest of your week.

** happy **

It's been a few good days - starting with Sunday, of course, when I saw Tim Holtz.  Sorry.  Did I not say that loud enough?  TIM HOLTZ!!!!  Nothing short of *wow.*  It all started when I was waiting to go into the back of the store.  I had my iPhone out and was talking to Tanya about an app (or something) and then, all of a sudden, this guy starts chiming in about these must have apps.  holy hell, batman.  IT WAS HIM.  I did it though.  I played it calm, cool and collected.  He was just an average Joe who puts his pants on one leg at a time.  Inside though, I as screaming and twitching and mentally catching my breath.  I mean ... IT WAS HIM!  *sigh*

His classes were awesome.  He is an amazing teacher.  Always happy.  Never annoyed.  Eternally patient.  I have always loved T!m products (and Tim himself) but now I love (and him) them even more - in part because I have lost alot of that intimidation factor.  I am itching to get in their and do some grungey goodness getting my hards dirty.  What a great feeling of satisfaction.  Not to mention that large amounts of alcohol ink and acrylic nails are still allowing me to enjoy that dirty process right at this very moment.  I do have some pictures to share but they are still on my camera so I will post at a later date.  In the meantime, I will continue to bask in my creative world until I can create again.  I am truly inspired.

Monday found me heading off to my first photography class at Algonquin College.  Basic Digital Photography.  I am complete excited and in love and know I am in the right place.  What a great feeling.  Of course, the evening was full of that dry and technical but necessary stuff.  Aperture, shutter speed, what the icons on the dials mean, etc.  Alot of it I knew a little about but now have a bit of a deeper understanding about it although still not 100%.  I learned how photographers get those wonderful Canada Day shots and now I am impatiently counting the days for July 1st.  I may not even be able to wait.  I think I am going to have to run out and buy my own fireoworks to try this new technique.  We touched very lightly on our assignment.  There is only one throughout these next 7 weeks but it seems like it is a doozy - alot of components handed in through multiple photos.  I have a million ideas in my head ... now I just have to hope that I can capture it through the lense.  My mind was going so crazy last night that I couldn't sleep and I am very eager for tomorrow night's class.  Even as I type this I am full of giddy-ness waiting to see what tomorrow has to offer.

On a software note, I got some fabulous news.  When K and I talked about this, we both knew that there was a bunch of I was either going to have to upgrade (or buy) if I was going to do photography as a side job.  One of those things being software.  I cringed at the thought of spending an upwards of $1000.00 for new Photoshop goodies however, we were enlightened yesterday with some very exciting news.  Because we are photography students, we will get to purchase Photoshop CS 5 Suite(have you seen it?  I saw it a few weeks ago via Jeni Boisvert's blog and let me just say WOW) for a fraction of the price.  Very cool.

So, as you can hopefully feel by reading this, it has been a very excited couple of days.  Things are about to get mega busy at work.  Between field trips, Jump Rope for Heart (I run it), Floor Hockey Tournament (I run the canteen),  our CPS track and field meet.  (i do this too) and our County meet (me again) and whatever else pops up, this photography thing may be a great way to regroup and enjoy myself.

Enjoy the day.  I know I will.