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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Life Re-evaluated

Destination: Baby
As I mentioned on January 1st, I am on a journey. A journey to find peace within and to let go of things I can not understand regardless of how hard I try. A journey to free myself of the fear and anxiety of getting pregnant again, to let go of my guilt for past miscarriages and my guilt for K not having the children he (we) so desperately want. A journey to let go of my guilt and forgive myself for losing Hannah. So much I know in my head but my heart beats to it's own thoughts and emotions. They need to be one with eachother. It is a time to realize and reflect. I have come to understand that what my head thinks and what is going on in my subconscience is entirely different. It is time to move forward from all things negative. To remove the hurt from my life and focus on me. It is time to truly move past my demons and find a healthier me - both physically and mentally. It is time to give it my all. My real all ... not just the all I say I am giving. It is time to change for me. Only then do I think it will be possible to reach our final destination - a day when we will walk through our front door with a sweet bundle of miraculous love.
Last week, I started journalling in a notebook with intentions of moving it into a scrapbook later. With some twisting of my arm, some inspiration and some you-tube techniques, I have decided to follow Tanya on her art journal quest. I have also decided to follow the ABC's of Me 2009 prompts as well. While most will have random creations to go with their words, I am going to try my best to gear it towards my Ali Edwards annual word challenge. Last year was wellness. It didn't go over so well. This year is Baby. Lets hope that it's results are much better than last years.
Completely and totally out of my box, I created my cover tonight. It was time consuming but definitely fun. Tanya and I created for hours talking and laughing and inspiring eachother. The shell of my album is actually a corrigated cardboard "binder" shape from a sheet set I bought. I will use envelopes on the inside in order to document the words and the journalling I have written. By December, I will have one completed art journal recording all my thoughts and feelings as I venture down my path towards my ultimate goal. I will work on the first word (Action) next weekend because I don't have any gesso to prime my pages with. The wheels in my head are definitely turning.


Tanya said...

Mell it turned out great. I cannot wait to see what you come up for your first prompt.

Stay Funny said...

it's amazing Mell!
Good luck in yoiur journey and for what is up to come.
Sendding lots of love,

Barb said...

This is beautiful, Mellisa. I love it. And I love the words you wrote in this post. Whether you realize it or not, you are an incredible woman. Strong, kind, compassionate... I hope and pray that you reach your destination in 2009. Sending love and a big hug your way.

Barbara said...

Good for you. It sounds like this process of the art journal will be a healing one for you and help you in your desire to move ahead.

Closet Artist said...

Thank you for sharing this post with us. It is sometimes not easy to post what is truly in our heads and hearts.
I look forward to seeing your creativity and if the cover is any indication, it will be a beautiful journey.

Kataroo said...

HOLLY CRAP...I swear my ass hurts b/c I just fell off my stool...THAT COVER...its awesome...its so WOW....powerful.

Sarah (from BadGirls) said...

This is absolutely beautiful. I think it's a wonderful idea to journal. I journaled with my unsuccessful attempts and heartbreaking struggles with pregnancy. I closed that journal and couldn't even bear to look at it. When I found the strength to try again, I started with a new, fresh journal and that one brought more joy.

May your journal lead you to the joy, happiness and peace you are seeking!!!

Rachel said...

I couldn't remember if I posted on this or not... I know we spoke!

THIS IS UTTERLY GORGEOUS! My mouth dropped when I saw it!

Head up babycakes.. Head up! WINK

Luvs ya

Marlene said...

This is such an awesome project Mell and I am sure it will help you with the healing journey. I hope and pray you find inner peace in 2009!

P.S. - your cover is amazing! What an awesome piece of art.